Tears of Eternity
by Bbqsauce
Summary: Find out Hikaru's feelings for Sai after Sai disappeared. The internal bond between Hikaru and Sai is tying them together, across distance and time.


** Disclaimer: I do not own Hikaru no go. **

Tears of Eternity

Hikaru dived for the bed without a second thought and laid there staring up at the ceiling. The day's work still faintly resonated at the back of his head. He breathed in and out rhythmically, with his chest rising up and down. Complex go patterns flashed before his mind, one stone after another chasing each other relentlessly, and soon, the entire board was divided into the world of black and white. He calculated, recalculated meticulously, until his head begged for mercy. He rubbed his eyebrows in frustration and turned sideways to glance at the goban. It was lying there peacefully under the pale moonlight, waiting patiently for a glint of brilliance.

Sai... Hikaru murmured and felt a throb of refreshed pain in his chest. Although Hikaru was sure that Sai lived in his go, he still had millions of questions left unanswered ever since his disappearance. The ghost continued to haunt his conscience everywhere he went. The regret and remorse that he felt for Sai were now digging deep into his flesh. He hated himself for ignoring Sai like that, because he knew, more clearly than anyone else, that he was the only link that Sai had to the real world. He had never given it much thought, because he had always thought that Sai would be there and they would be together. He couldn't have been more wrong. Not only did he take Sai for granted, but he also bereaved Sai of his only chance to play the kami no itte - the Divine Move. How could he be so cruel? Hikaru clenched his fist and slammed it against his chest.

The image of the ghost was still vivid. Sai was wearing his usual karignu. His long robe trailed gracefully behind him, and what landed on his face could be nothing more ironic - a smile. Tears glistened in the corner of his eyes; they were solemn tears of joy and happiness that transcended themselves through a thousand years of suffering. Tears streamed down his hot burning cheeks, as Hikaru cried out to Sai. His eyes were now glistening with tears too; they were tears of frustration and helplessness. It was as if Hikaru had been reduced to nothing but a child, clinging hopelessly to what he treasured so much but nonetheless forced to give it up. The pain of being abandoned hit him so hard, and he refused to stand up. He wanted to fall hard, so he could wake up from this fantasy world. He wanted to break a leg or two, to remind himself that he was nothing without Sai.

It's time to say goodbye. Hikaru felt the weight of the words crushing down on him and numbing his senses. If this is your choice, Sai, I won't stop you. Hikaru was near the verge of bawling his heart out. I respect your decision, Sai. Hikaru struggled to let his feelings go, but they were so deep-rooted into his soul. After all, Sai had always been there for him, every step along the journey. When he won, the two celebrated in their quiet moments of mutual understanding. Sai didn't have to say anything, but Hikaru could feel words of encouragement and comfort in his heart. Sai played him every night, to flash his sword against his, to sharpen Hikaru's go sense and mold his endurance and stamina. Although at times, Hikaru's pride was deeply wounded, Sai always stopped to glance back at Hikaru, silently motioning for him to advance forward, even in a state of trepidation. In Sai, Hikaru saw hope in the time of despair and... a feeling of being loved by the very God himself. Yes, this was exactly what Hikaru felt. He was being spoiled by the all-mighty God himself, who had sent a messenger to deliver him all his love and affection. I'm not alone. I am far from alone, because Sai is always watching me from above and waiting for me to grow up.

Don't worry, Sai, because I will fulfill my destiny and knock on the Gate of Heaven to pick you up. I will remember this resolution, every minute, second, of my life.

"I won't compromise until I have taken back all the happiness that we've lost.

For me, that is a hundred years worth.

For you, it's a thousand."


End file.
